DADDY KNOWS BEST
"Dad, what's a WHARF ?"
"Hmmm...That would be a dog barking near the docks".
"Gee! Thanks Dad!"
"Anytime, Son".
SLEEPY SLIPPERS
What is it with my slipper,
That make cats lie upon it a-slumber?
Every time I need to wear them,
I have to rudely wake and kick 'em.
Is it 'coz it's soft and warm?
Cats feel safe from every harm.
Or could it be that...
My feet stinks, they smell a rat!
COCK-A -DOODLE-DO
Why do roosters crow in the morning? Because the farmer would shoot 'em if they crowed at night.
THE BRIGHT SIDE
Getting tired waiting for your turn at the videoke? Here's a tip : Start coughing and sneezing like crazy. With everyone so paranoid with this flu epidemic, I bet you, in ten seconds everybody leaves the place and that videoke mic is all yours. This tip also useful in crowded train stations and ATM machines.
A DOCTOR A DAY...
My doc told me to eat lots of garlic and onions to drive the flu virus away. Are you kidding, doc? I eat that much garlic and onions I'll drive everybody away!
WAR AGAINST HUNGER
A government spokesman declares victory in the war against hunger. The number of starving people reduced by half. The other half have probably died of hunger already...
OCTOPUS JOKES
If an octopus has 8 legs, then why call them TENtacles? Why not eightacles?
And what does an octopus use to climb up? An 8-foot ladder?
JOSE RIZAL
This story my grandpa told me when I was but a little kid:
During the Spanish occupation of the Philippines, the Spanish authorities "invited" Jose Rizal, a Filipino Patriot, to a banquet. Intent on ridiculing Rizal, the Spaniards ate as much bananas as they can then threw all their banana peels into Rizal's plate. Then they jeered, "These Indios are monkeys! See how much they love bananas!"
Jose Rizal calmly replied, "You seem to love bananas more than I do. You ate even the peel. Who's the monkey now?"
THE NAKED EYE
I've always wondered why they call it the "Naked Eye"? They could always say the "Unaided Eye", but somehow they prefer "naked". And so I ask :
"What happens when two naked eyes meet?" A Third Eye is born !
ERR WE GO AGAIN
To err is human;
To forgive is divine.
To err again after you've been forgiven...
Now that's really pushing your luck, bro
To forgive is divine.
To err again after you've been forgiven...
Now that's really pushing your luck, bro
BALLAD TO AN UGLY DUCKLING
There once was a lass
Who had always felt she was
An ugly duckling
That the townsfolk were jeering.
Pained and traumatized,
At that early age she realized
It will be her life's quest
Her beauty to be the best.
And so she toiled, day and night
Moved mountains with all her might
She earned and saved every dollar
'Til she had enough for a complete make-over.
And so twenty years came to pass
And the ugly duckling little lass,
Thanks to so many nip and tuck,
Has now matured into an ugly duck!
LUCKY JACK
Have we thought about what values we teach our kids whenever we read to them a story? Case in point: Jack and the Beanstalk.
You remember Jack and the Beanstalk, right? Jack climbs the beanstalk, enters the giant's castle, grabs the gold, chops down the beanstalk and kills the giant...Yeah that Jack. Well if you've listed it down as I have, I say Jack is guilty of Trespassing, Breaking and Entering, Robbery, Murder, and illegally cutting down a tree. I mean, Jack could have faced triple life sentences for these crimes. Instead, Jack got away scotfree and lived happily ever after.
This guy Jack is one lucky dude. He must've had one hell of a top-notch defense lawyer. Somebody please give me his lawyer's number.
LEARNING THE ABC's
Holding up the letter "O", teacher said to her kiddie garden class, "Children, this is the letter O... see the nice round hole?".
Next she held up the letter "A" and asked, "Now children, who can tell me what this is?" One kid promptly stood up and recited,"Ma'am that's the letter A... see the nice A hole?".
TEAM
There is no I in "T E A M". Oh Yeah? Well there's no U in it either ! So U and I cannot a team make.
DISABILITY BENEFIT
If you've been diagnosed with arthritis or gout, you can right away get disability benefits from your social security. It's a special benefit they call "The Benefit of the GOUT".
SPECIAL TEA
A customer walks into a coffee shop and asks for their best coffee. The waiter gladly offers him their SPECIALTY. The customer angrily stood up and shouted : "You idiot! I asked for coffee! I don't give a damn about your SPECIAL TEA !!!"
SEE FOOD
Money may be tight these days, but people still manage to enjoy going to the mall. They window shop instead of buying. And they also enjoy SEE food. Yes, SEE food! They don't buy 'em, they don't eat 'em. They just look at 'em. SEE food!
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