PREGNANCY TEST




Ahhh... where do you bring a pet hamster to see if she's pregnant?
Duh... bring her to an OB-GUINEA-cologist !!!

CHAPLIN'S GHOST?

In the "spirit" of Halloween, I'd like to share with you this picture of a ghostly apparition at my place. Every morning, as the rising sun casts its light upon my front screen, the profile of a man with an odd "square" mustache slowly appears for about 5 minutes and then gradually disappears. Is it Charlie Chaplin? Is it Adolf Hitler? You be the judge.




You can blame my pet cat for this ghostly phenomenon. This screen used to be flat and taut and unremarkable. And then one day, my cat decided to do a "Spiderman" and climbed up this screen door, causing it to sag a bit. Doing so, my cat must have opened up a portal to another dimension because the following morning, this apparition started to manifest itself every morning at 7:15, gradually disappearing by 7:20. Strangely enough, this apparition does not appear whenever it's cloudy. Happy Halloween!

ALZHEIMER'S

Worried about Alzheimer's? Don't!
It's AL's...Let AL worry about his heimers.
Go get your own heimers.

MIRANDA DECLARATION

If you keep getting a headache from some guy who keeps talking and talking, give him a pen and paper and tell him : "You have to WRITE to remain silent."

HEALTH WARNING


Is smoking dangerous to your health? I don't know. It's your lungs. You decide. Just don't smoke anywhere near me, ok? Coz' doing that definitely will be dangerous to your health !

CURVES AHEAD

Amazing how just adding a couple of curves can turn a HE into a SHE

COPPER

Police officers are called "COPS" because of their COPPER badge. Now, if their badge were made of BRONZE, cops would've been called "BRO" !

WHAT'S IN A NAME

I have a friend named YOYOY... He got his name when as a baby, a nurse, asking for the new-born baby's name, heard the father cry out:           
           "Why oh why oh why?" 
And the name stuck...

THE GAME

'Twas a really tight ballgame...the other team's ahead by a point...you get the inbound pass with just 6 seconds to play...you go top of the key to attempt a 3-pointer...then you see an open man right under the basket ready for an easy 2-pointer...the crowd goes wild...their roar fills the stadium...you see yourself being carried by your team after you nail this 3-pointer...the winning basket...you look at the open man under the basket waving his arms like crazy frantically begging you to pass him the ball...no way man...the crowd goes even wilder...their shouts now more defeaning than ever...this is your moment...your winning moment...and then...

buzzzzzzzzz...! 

Time's up! Game over! What the...Now the crowd goes berserk...you quickly duck as a chair is hurled towards you...but you never even saw the Gatorade that floored you...and then you see yourself being carried by your team...on a stretcher...

SELLING LIFE INSURANCE

Selling life insurance is not the easiest job in the world. Believe me. I sold life insurance before. Imagine this... there you are seated on the sofa talking with your prospects, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. To break the ice, you tell them how much you admire them for being very responsible and loving parents. You tell them how lucky little Tommy is for having such wonderful and loving parents. And Mr. and Mrs. Smith smilingly agree with you. Yes! A buying signal! Good work! You're on a roll...You keep emphasizing how much they love Tommy...how much they really love their only child...You see tears in Mrs. Smith's eyes...Great! You've talked to their emotions! You open your proposal, an endowment plan that would earn dividends and build a fund for little Tommy... Mr.Smith likes the numbers he sees...Mr. Smith looks into Mrs. Smith's eyes and you can see they're buying... THEY ARE BUYING! You give them a pen... and just as they were about to sign, you opened your mouth one more time and said :" And if little Tommy dies..."                         
You should've seen the horror in Mrs. Smith's eyes...But you couldn't have because Mr. Smith was already escorting you out the door...Loser!

FUNNY ADS

Some ads can be funny sometimes:
"Loan to Pay Off Debt"... how's that? You get a loan to pay off another loan? I dunno... And my girlfriend thinks "Debt Consolidation" means she can forward me all her credit card bills and I "Pay Off her Credit Card Debt"...hmmm? Babe, I love you...but I don't love you that much! And Babe, forget about "Wealth Management" coz there's no way I'm gonna let you manage MY wealth! Go find your own wealth to manage...

TEAMWORK

Teamwork would've been great except there's still "work" in it...try TEAMPLAY instead.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION vs WEALTH MANAGEMENT

Nowadays, people are six times more concerned with "DEBT" than they are with "WEALTH"! Need proof? Go to GOOGLE Search-Based Keyword Tool. Type "DEBT" and note the result. Now, type "WEALTH" and note the result. Result shows 100,000 monthly searches for "DEBT CONSOLIDATION" vs just 15,000 for "WEALTH MANAGEMENT". Signs of the times?

HEAVEN-O?

The devil sure is one smart guy. Think about it ...everyday, practically everybody says HELL-o. Maybe we should start saying HEAVEN-o. What do you think?

CATARACT SURGERY

I sure am glad I'm not a spider...with the cost of cataract surgery these days, I can't imagine how much eight eyes will cost me.

BANKRUPTCY

I recently broke off with my girl. A real material girl. Her credit card purchases brought me to the brink of bankruptcy. A near-DEBT experience. Now, I only pray there is Life-After-DEBT.

CASH OUT

I found an old Reader's Digest article dated April of 2005 : "Never Run Out of Cash". As I was reading it I told myself, "But I never run out of cash! It's the Cash that keeps running out of me!"

PROACTIVE

If you see somebody walking on a hot sunny day wearing a raincoat, don't mind him...he's just being PROACTIVE.

TELEMARKETING

Saw my not-so-smart buddy with a phone inside the fridge... says he's doing COLD CALLS today.

MISCOMMUNICATION

Four telecommunications executives got together to discuss plans of organizing a beauty contest. After three long hours, they never got to agree on anything...and the "MISS COMMUNICATION" project was eventually scrapped.

FRIENDSTER.COM

Tried uploading my photo to Friendster... Got redirected to DUMPSTER.COM. Must be a new social networking site. Can't wait to meet new friends there...

NUMISMATIC

Seeing an opportunity to get free food at the buffet table, an old beggar dressed himself up and joined the affair. As it turns out, it was a Collectors' Convention. As he was eating, two gentlemen came to have a chat with him. Asked what he was collecting, he proudly replies: "I, Sir, am a COIN COLLECTOR !"

SHAKESPEARE COMEDY

Sir William Shakespeare enters a Japanese restaurant and asks himself: "Sushi...or not Sushi. That is the question..."

BY MISTAKE

Teacher: Class, today we will talk about etiquette. I am 50 and still single, you refer to me as "MISS". Is that clear?

Class : Yes, Miss.

Teacher: Good! Now, if I were to meet a handsome young man and he...tee hee... marries me, that would make me a...?

Class : ... " a MISTAKE ?"...

Teacher: NO!NO!NO! That would make me a "MRS." Got that?

Class : Yes, Miss.

Teacher: Good! So if I am "MRS.", then that would make the man who marries me ...?

Class : ... "MISERABLE ?"

FROM BED TO WORSE

PATIENT: Doc, I feel really sick! You have to help me!

DOCTOR : Why? Tell me what you feel...

PATIENT: Well..you see... I met this really hot chick at a bar last week...we party all night and ended up in bed...you know...

DOCTOR : OK...Go on...

PATIENT: Well...she was coughin' and sneezin' all night...I'm afraid I caught the Virus!

DOCTOR : Son, your tests turned out negative! You don't have the Flu Virus...

PATIENT: Man, that is good news...

DOCTOR : Afraid not...you got herpes!

HOSTILE TAKEOVER 101

What happens when two corporate giants squabble over market share? Eventually a smaller new player comes into the picture and takes over the market.

video

Even after they lost the market, the two corporate giants still continue their squabble, much to the newcomer's strategic advantage. The biggies try to re-group and regain control but, sorry, newbies' already well entrenched. Birdbrains...

SERIOUSLY FUNNY

Although this blog site tries to poke fun at a very serious matter such as the Influenza Pandemic, thanks to Google Ads, there are some very helpful advertisements here where you may find interesting or even life-saving tips and info. Laughter really is the best medicine.

IS IT NAPTIME YET?

There's something in the air that is more contagious and spreads much faster than the Flu Virus! Its called a YAWN.

BAD BREATH OR FLU VIRUS? YOUR CHOICE

MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH !

Laboratory research shows Influenza Virus will not survive in 3-day old saliva.
How to develop 3-day old saliva? Researchers leave it up to you to figure that out.

BEER-Y GOOD


DADDY KNOWS BEST

"Dad, what's a WHARF ?"
"Hmmm...That would be a dog barking near the docks".
"Gee! Thanks Dad!"
"Anytime, Son".

SLEEPY SLIPPERS


What is it with my slipper,
That make cats lie upon it a-slumber?
Every time I need to wear them,
I have to rudely wake and kick 'em.
Is it 'coz it's soft and warm?
Cats feel safe from every harm.
Or could it be that...
My feet stinks, they smell a rat!

COCK-A -DOODLE-DO

Why do roosters crow in the morning? Because the farmer would shoot 'em if they crowed at night.

THE BRIGHT SIDE

Getting tired waiting for your turn at the videoke? Here's a tip : Start coughing and sneezing like crazy. With everyone so paranoid with this flu epidemic, I bet you, in ten seconds everybody leaves the place and that videoke mic is all yours. This tip also useful in crowded train stations and ATM machines.

A DOCTOR A DAY...

My doc told me to eat lots of garlic and onions to drive the flu virus away. Are you kidding, doc? I eat that much garlic and onions I'll drive everybody away!

WAR AGAINST HUNGER

A government spokesman declares victory in the war against hunger. The number of starving people reduced by half. The other half have probably died of hunger already...

OCTOPUS JOKES

If an octopus has 8 legs, then why call them TENtacles? Why not eightacles?
And what does an octopus use to climb up? An 8-foot ladder?

JOSE RIZAL

This story my grandpa told me when I was but a little kid:
During the Spanish occupation of the Philippines, the Spanish authorities "invited" Jose Rizal, a Filipino Patriot, to a banquet. Intent on ridiculing Rizal, the Spaniards ate as much bananas as they can then threw all their banana peels into Rizal's plate. Then they jeered, "These Indios are monkeys! See how much they love bananas!"
Jose Rizal calmly replied, "You seem to love bananas more than I do. You ate even the peel. Who's the monkey now?"

THE NAKED EYE

I've always wondered why they call it the "Naked Eye"? They could always say the "Unaided Eye", but somehow they prefer "naked". And so I ask :
"What happens when two naked eyes meet?" A Third Eye is born !

ERR WE GO AGAIN

To err is human;
To forgive is divine.
To err again after you've been forgiven...
Now that's really pushing your luck, bro

BALLAD TO AN UGLY DUCKLING

There once was a lass
Who had always felt she was
An ugly duckling
That the townsfolk were jeering.
Pained and traumatized,
At that early age she realized
It will be her life's quest
Her beauty to be the best.
And so she toiled, day and night
Moved mountains with all her might
She earned and saved every dollar
'Til she had enough for a complete make-over.
And so twenty years came to pass
And the ugly duckling little lass,
Thanks to so many nip and tuck,
Has now matured into an ugly duck!

INFLUENZA ALERT


LUCKY JACK

Have we thought about what values we teach our kids whenever we read to them a story? Case in point: Jack and the Beanstalk.
You remember Jack and the Beanstalk, right? Jack climbs the beanstalk, enters the giant's castle, grabs the gold, chops down the beanstalk and kills the giant...Yeah that Jack. Well if you've listed it down as I have, I say Jack is guilty of Trespassing, Breaking and Entering, Robbery, Murder, and illegally cutting down a tree. I mean, Jack could have faced triple life sentences for these crimes. Instead, Jack got away scotfree and lived happily ever after.
This guy Jack is one lucky dude. He must've had one hell of a top-notch defense lawyer. Somebody please give me his lawyer's number.

LEARNING THE ABC's

Holding up the letter "O", teacher said to her kiddie garden class, "Children, this is the letter O... see the nice round hole?".
Next she held up the letter "A" and asked, "Now children, who can tell me what this is?" One kid promptly stood up and recited,"Ma'am that's the letter A... see the nice A hole?".

TEAM

There is no I in "T E A M". Oh Yeah? Well there's no U in it either ! So U and I cannot a team make.

DISABILITY BENEFIT

If you've been diagnosed with arthritis or gout, you can right away get disability benefits from your social security. It's a special benefit they call "The Benefit of the GOUT".

THE THIRD ROOM

In a two-room apartment, the toilet is usually the TURD room.

FREE PIZZA

A Free Pizza Delivery will not deliver Free Pizza to you

FORENSICS

Ask any 5th grader and right away they will tell you that FORENSICS equals 10

SPECIAL TEA

A customer walks into a coffee shop and asks for their best coffee. The waiter gladly offers him their SPECIALTY. The customer angrily stood up and shouted : "You idiot! I asked for coffee! I don't give a damn about your SPECIAL TEA !!!"

SEE FOOD

Money may be tight these days, but people still manage to enjoy going to the mall. They window shop instead of buying. And they also enjoy SEE food. Yes, SEE food! They don't buy 'em, they don't eat 'em. They just look at 'em. SEE food!
 
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